Insomnia.

So here I am, not having slept in God-only-knows how many hours. I'm having bouts of sleeplessness these days. Its 11 am on a sunday(I'm writing this in a Barista, will post it later), and I last slept for about three hours, two days ago. It was on friday afternoon, after having been awake for what I think was another two days or so.

So anyway, I think its weird. I mean, I'm one of those people who used to prioritize sleep and food over love, you know. Never felt sated or content just to be in love. I needed lots of food, drink, and Zzzzzzs. It was fine, I understood when I made do with lack of rest while I was doing my stint (turned out to be just a stint, heh) at B-school. Things were fast, there was always too much to do, and too little time to do it in. But now, I have lots of time, I am working on my own terms, and not more than a few hours a day. Still I find myself an insomniac.

And mind you, this lack of sleep isn't because of caffeine or even nicotine. All those '-ines' aren't what's keeping me going. In fact, I usually drink coffee to give in, and get hyperactive for a while, so that I can get hyper-tired afterwards, and drift off to sleep.

And surprisingly, this lack of sleep isn't affecting my moods or my capacity for lucid thought. It is making me take multiple showers in one sleep-cycle though.

Man, this coffee is bitter. No-one knows how to make my cold coffee extra strong and just the way I like it, except for my fav Cafe Coffee Day in South Campus. Hah. Pity it opens later than this place, and a bigger pity its so far off from Vineesh's place.

Yeah, this coffee really isn't my cup of tea. But still nice for a change in taste.

So what do you think is the matter with my biological rythm? I mean, I'm working every day, I'm having fun every day, I'm drinking enough fluids. I'm eating when I'm hungry enough to drag me away from whatever it is I'm doing at the moment.

I have everything I wanted a few months ago, when I was going through the most recent of my moments of truth. And I find satisfaction only after having been awake for a long, long time, having completed more work than I could possibly do in one day, and basically dallied with all possible activities for a day.

Still, why do I never feel exhilirated anymore? Is it because I'm not in a relationship anymore? Is it because I've not been at my job for a longer time? Is it because almost everything I want is within my reach and so I don't get really happy at acheiving something that I thought I wouldn't be able to do?

Why do humans suffer from insomnia? I think in my case, I'm just trying to push myself to the edge beyond the edge.

Ah, atleast the little chocolate sprinkles are little drops of sweetness in that bitter liquid.

Anyway, so as I was saying, I'm pushing myself harder each day. Harder than I can do. I go for long, long brisk walks, I run part of the way, just when I start to feel a little tired. I am listening to music that I would ordinarily switch from on the radio. I'm learning new songs on the guitar, figuring out riffs I'd have given up as too tough some months ago.

I think I'd become too complacent in my old life. I had everything. And now I'm not sad when I say that. I had everything, and I lost it all on less than one pitch of turn and toss.

So I guess I've managed to start again, from new beginnings, and am learning not to breathe a word about my loss. And I think that's why I'm pushing myself. So that I won't ever get complacent. So that I won't stop trying and trying harder the next time I think I have everything again.

You can't stop trying once you have everything. You have to try harder to watch out for signs of it starting to slip away. And harder still to not let it fade away completely. I hope I will have the strength.

ps...You know, the coffee isn't that bad. I kind of like the bitterness of the aftertaste. :)