Rethinking Life

A re-organisation of my thoughts was long overdue. I keep changing my thinking pattern every few months, consciously. Here something I wrote today, after a lot of thinking, and some realizations. May not make a lot of sense to a lot of you. To others, it might. Happy reading.

I was especially tense today. The morning started out fine. Though I was exhausted, recovering from the fever I was suffering from last night, mentally I was pretty calm. However, as the day wore on and my thoughts turned to the approaching CAT examination, this feeling of inadequacy crept up. I felt stupid, not having taken the opportunity of the last few months, to better myself, and try to make my future a little brighter.

I skipped college, not feeling up to driving, and stayed in bed all the time, feeling mentally fatigued, not just physically tired. Yet towards the evening, I decided to gather up what resources I could muster up, and attend the seminar last-minute preparation tips. It wasn't very far off, so I thought I could risk it. Taking a lot of vitamin C tabs with me, I wound up at the venue a little later than the scheduled commencement. Still, I managed to get in, and for the next two hours, the speaker tried to assuage our (the students') doubts about the CAT. While I didn't have an epiphany at any of the things he said, I did feel a lot better by laughing half the time. That guy really knows how to get at the funny side of people. Very, very clever speaker. Witty beyond belief.

Anyhow, after the session, I decided to drop a friend off at his pad (part of my do good drive to change my aloof nature). And we got talking at a coffee house on the way. We discussed, of all things, mathematics. While I'm no moron, maths is generally not something I talk about to people who are, by nature, or inclination, very good at it.

So there we were. After I dropped that fellow off (reminder, get a coffee date with Abir), I decided to do some shopping, and picked up some more medicines that we were running out of at home, and some food. It was there, sometime, that I realised that I wouldn't let this sickness get me down. I was feeling very low. My self-esteem usually plummets whenever I go under the weather. Yet this time, I decided that you are only as sick as you feel. And believing that the human body is made of sterner stuff than this, I did all tasks with the same gusto I usually do. That made me feel a lot better.

And now, after having talked with my girl, I feel a lot better indeed. Looking back on the last few weeks, although I've really not studied that much, I feel I've realised something that people in CL have been telling me for so long, in one form or the other. CAT is not about getting the maximum marks. It is about taking decisions. It is about not getting in too deep inside the question paper, and forgetting who you are. It is about not forgetting that a quarter of a million people are giving the same exam as you are, and you can beat the pants off them in a lot of fields. That you are a much better person for not approaching this exam with awe or anxiety. It is about remembering that you have consistently performed above 90 % of the people who gave the same exams as you, even worldwide. Ok, so Indians are smarter than the rest when it comes to math. But the exam isn't really about the math, is it?

To break it down, I'm not anxious about the CAT anymore. I know a lot of people have a lot of expectations from me, especially as I've been very good at academics in college. Yet it isn't their life we're talking about here. My dad once told me, life isn't about what others see you as, it's what you see yourself as. He is a very wise man.

So I could have studied really hard and gotten 90% in class 12. I didn't. I could have studied really hard and gotten into an elite Engg. college. I'd have had my life made then. I didn't. I could have studied really hard and gotten outside the country on a scholarship, I didn't.

The thing to see here, however, is that all that time, I've been happy beyond belief. I was ecstatic in college, though I've come down now. I was happy in classes 11 and 12, not topping every time, but having one hell of a time just being what I was, and had never been so openly before that.

I think I'll still be happy even if I don't get into the IIMs. I know I can. If things go well, if the paper isn't hopeless, and if I don't goof up. But what if they don't. That was what worried me, to this day. Now I'm not going to fret about it.

I know a lot of money isn't what I'm looking for in life. It would be nice, but I don't plan to live in the office. I want to do whatever I want to, whenever I want to. That doesn't however, include joining a club for the ultra-rich. I'd be happy with enough money to pay the bills, have a little fun now and then, and save up a little for later. That's all. If my dad could rear two children, providing as plentifully as he did, I'm sure I could provide for two people even just adequately. So we won't go to Hawaii. ;) The hills in Uttaranchal aren't really that bad.

Another thing that pops up from time to time is, how on earth do I plan to convince the parents of my lady-love to like me, if I don't have an enviable job, and tons of money to throw around. The answer came up today. Even if I had that much money, would I want to do all that? Would I show off, when I don't even like bragging about my marks now? Today when my friend told some of his pals that I had been on the Toppers list three times in a row now, and a few times before, I got embarrased, and really didn't know how to answer their questions about "How exactly do I do it too?"

Money really isn't everything, and it's even less to me. You could say that I'm talking like that, just because I haven't faced poverty yet, or because I haven't got bills to pay right now. As my parents are paying them.

So what if I get a really low-paying job, and can't afford to buy a car without a loan. Hell if it comes to that, I'll save up a little, and try the share market or something. We'll see. Life is supposed to be a big adventure. I wouldn't want fiscal cheat codes all the time.

I realize that this has now started to sound like me trying to convince myself that money isn't everything. But I really do believe that. What about when I'm with Her? Money is not even in the picture then, and the money I have now isn't even mine. While I'm no saint, even I'll admit I'm responsible enough not to squander my parents' money like anything. Yet it really isn't that important. If I have no money a particular week, I don't go out, or atleast don't spend. That simple. If you don't have any money, you don't have to worry about saving it.

So I guess it'll be alright. It's just like girlfriends. It's great, but though it feels like the world ended the day you fall apart, for whatever reason, the world goes on after that. And you really do smile on some later day. And the sun shines, and the breeze blows, and you laugh with friends. Oh, and coffee still smells great.

If all else fails, I have my guitar. Things'll be alright. So no worries now. If I do crack it, great. A boon from God. If not, I'll have things to do, and people to meet. But whatever come, I'll have places to go, and miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep.

____

"If you can dream, and not make dreams your master.
If you can think, and not make thoughts your aim.
If you can meet with both triumph and disaster.
And treat those two impostostors just the same.
If you can bear to hear the words you've spoken.
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools.
And see the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop to build 'em up with worn out tools." - Kipling.