Past musings

Sometime back, I formatted my PC. I love doing that, as it keeps Windows ship-shape. Plus, I love the 'feel' of a clean-install computer. Anyway, I came across something I wrote as a measure to find out why I was getting so depressed some weeks back. Now that I feel the period has passed, I think it is safe enough to 'declassify' the document, and publish it here. for all those who read this blog. (that is mostly me. :D )

So here it is...


This is unsettling. I am very depressed. And I don't know why.

It has been increasing in frequency lately, this feeling. I get very sad often now. Not only that, but I think it has something to do with my view of things.

I take a lot of things for granted. Like love. I think that should be unconditional. If you love someone, nothing about that person should bother you. Even a particular trait that would be utterly repulsive in another person.

There are many things we are disgusted by. Not me, I am blase now. Nothing much affects me anymore. It seems like all the world's objects have eroded their edges to assume a similar shape, everything similar, everything conformist.

Only I don't fit in here. It is something like the Matrix. Neo new something was wrong, that he didn't quite fit in. If he hadn't known, he would have fit in pretty well. But he did. And so the world could never be his home.

That is something like what I feel. I know it sounds silly, and contradictory, that I can be blase and depressed at the same time, but I am. I am indifferent to most things in the world. Food, Drink, the "charms" of life, the high times, money... all of it.

I am not indifferent about love. It is something that gives my life meaning. The woman I love, doesn't love me quite as much as I love her, not in the way I define love. I am sure the reverse is quite true as well. Still, I would do anything for her. And yet I wouldn't be mad or possessive if she went out and got another boyfriend.

It is strange. And I would actually like it, I think. But I can't say for sure. There are many things that I would like her to do, but can never say so. The moment I tell her something I would feel nice by, it would ruin the whole purpose. There are some things you need to do on your own initiative, to surprise the other person, to refresh the monotony of their life.

I can't tell her to do something. It wouldn't hold any charm for me the moment I asked her to. And that is what depressed me the most.

We have gone all the way, and yet, she doesn't feel comfortable with a lot of things, that I would consider already settled in a relationship progressed so far.

I get depressed also because she doesn't see that. She doesn't see that I anticipate her reactions to situations, and that I try never, ever to let her even catch a hint of something that would make her sad. These things, they go on so often in my life, but I can't tell her. It would make her unhappy, and in doing so, make me unhappy. But not telling her makes me unhappy, for I see what could have been. And what is not.

I cry sometimes for this. Maybe mothers are right. Maybe they really can see what is best for you. Again, I don't know. If so, it really is an unfair world, that makes you dream first, showing you all that could be, but letting you know by experience that what could be, not always can.

It is the little things. The teeny-tiny ones. The refusal to change oneself in that minute way, so as to please the other one immensly. Most of these are subconscious, we do not even realize we change in these ways.

But some things, they grate. And grate, and grate. And bruise your sense of well-being, rubbing your happiness to bleeding.

So, should you change, to make the other happy? For it is only the other's happiness that will make you even satisfied with your life. This is one of the hardest questions I face, and one that I find myself unable to answer.

If you do change yourself, is it not a betrayal of the Self? What kind of person would one be, to have someone who cares about them change?
And if you change, does a part of you not die, strangled inside? Part of your spirit, your free soul, that you chain to oblivion, forcing compliance with an iron will, attempting at stoicism, and trying so very hard not to break down and weep like an inconsolate child?

It is very hard, this world, if you choose to make it so. But if you don't, it need not be. You can be the happiest one on earth, if you choose to let go. Just leave yourself, let the wind blow you wherever. And take pleasure in following the wind, in floating the way it takes you, and no other. For the mind is perfectly adaptable; you can learn to love exactly what happens to you, and never feel sad about it. If only you let go of the realization that it would be make-believe, mere pretence.

If only you let go.

At times like these, I often wonder if life is worth living. We have no proof of the afterlife, or even of God. God doesn't need proof. As a concept, I agree to that. So if I do not believe in God, maybe, to me, there never will be one...

Maybe all that is there around is, is only what we acknowledge, and nothing more. Maybe the atheists are right, and the devout as well. They just don't realise that they aren't the only ones.

Maybe, if there is God, He in his infinite wisdom, and mercy, wouldn't be there for atheists.